Acceptance is not that same thing as approval – you can accept something IS without approving of the behavior. In the recovery community, this is how we find peace. Learning to live with someone else’s addiction can be a daily struggle with acceptance! But knowing we can’t control others is a primary step in that acceptance.
Love the sinner, hate the sin. We’ve all heard that, but no one really tells you how to do it! When someone you love is doing something you REALLY don’t like, how do you get past it and show them love? How do you continue a relationship when the behavior or the choice is all you can see when are with them?
Recognizing that we are ALL sinners is step one – essentially humility. Our sins are no better or worse – but we like to use comparison to make our sins seem “less bad” than someone else’s. Recognizing our own sins is necessary to our own recovery. We have to walk our path to recovery before we can walk with someone else.
Consider your priority. All things come from God who is love. If God is the center of your life, it follows that you must love all others as God’s creation. He gives us free will to make our own decisions, stumble and fall, learn from those failures and return to Him. We have to allow others the freedom to learn from their choices, too. My priority was peace and a continued relationship with my family member. My biggest fear was loss. When I was focused on the behavior, I wasn’t focused on the person and our relationship. I was creating the loss that I feared! I was creating distance between us and a situation where my loved one would NOT want to turn to me for help when that time comes.
It is not an easy process to let go of pain – coaching helped me tremendously with this. Starting my day with an intention that I reached in a coaching session eventually created a mindset where I could be with my loved one and talk about all kinds of things – actively listening and just being present. I could set healthy boundaries around the behaviors that bothered me, but those boundaries did not rely on the other person. They were MY boundaries under MY control.
I promise coaching can help you! Cutting people out of your life may bring immediate relief from stress, but the loss of the relationship will bring you pain in the long run. Contact me for a consult – I’d love to help.
