How to heal them
There seems to be an awful lot of advice out there telling people to cut the toxic people out of their lives. (I am not referring to an actual abusive relationship here – that’s a completely different situation. If you are in danger, get out of that situation ASAP!)
In a nutshell, a toxic relationship is one with someone that causes you some sort of pain – sadness, stress reactions, anger, or avoidance. But when you think of things in those terms, doesn’t every close relationship bring out those feelings in some form or another? And if your parent or your spouse or your boss is being put into that toxic category, how likely is it that you will or can cut that person out of your life? And even if you do, does that remove the anger or sadness you are feeling?
While there are many ways to work on relationships, you can really only control your own thoughts and actions – and that’s where the work comes in! Coaching has helped me to look at the thoughts behind those feelings that are feeding into the so-called toxicity. Relationships are a two-way street and it is easy to react to something someone says or does and create even more disconnect in the relationship.
For instance, if one of your parents criticizes something you do and you react angrily, why are you getting angry? What are the thoughts behind the feelings the criticism is creating? “I always do the wrong thing.” “I can’t do anything right.” “I’m not a good enough _______ (Mother, daughter, worker, entertainer, caregiver, housekeeper…)” Your thoughts about the criticism are creating negativity in your mind and you become defensive. In reality, the criticism usually means “that’s not the way I’d do it,” and not much else. It says more about your parent than it does about you. When you change your thought to, “Mom and I do this particular thing differently,” your reaction isn’t going to be anger anymore.
This thought work can not only change your thoughts and reactions, but you will naturally start analyzing your own ACTIONS. How often do you criticize the way your spouse loads the dishwasher or does laundry? And what are the thoughts he is creating in response to that criticism? When you start looking at your own thoughts, you become more careful about what you say and how you say it to others.
This is not an overnight relationship fix. There is real work involved in changing the way we think! It is simple, but not easy. And a coach can help you identify those sneaky thoughts and will walk alongside you in changing them.
