Where’s mom in all this?
You’ve often heard parents complain about the stress of dealing with their teenagers – the rebellion, the eye rolling, the new driver, the cell phone addiction, (insert whatever behavior drives you nuts!) To hear “You’ll miss them when they’re gone,” when you’re in the thick of it is not particularly helpful! But you will miss them.
Grief
There is no other word to really describe your child leaving home – whether your older teen is off to college, or your twenty-something is moving into an apartment nearby or across the country – there is a real grief when they move onto that next step of growth. You want to be excited and happy for them (and you are!) but you turn into a blubbering mess. When my oldest left for college, there was no other word for it than grief – I would just get hit with it at random times (just as you do when someone you love dies) and just sob. At the same time, I would shame myself for feeling this way. My son was fine, happy, doing what I had always expected. Other people have ACTUALLY lost loved ones. I didn’t feel I could express my feelings.
No one really warned me that this would happen. I knew I would miss him, but why was I so crazy?? And it didn’t really get easier with the other two. How do we stop the sadness? Well, that’s the worst thing you can try and do. Let the tears flow! Repressing or belittling our emotions often makes them worse.
Now What?
I did eventually get used to the new rhythms in our emptying household, and it’s incredibly easy to keep in touch these days (I don’t know if that’s always a good thing!) But I still had to let go of mothering the only way I knew how. When our kids are younger, and even into their teens, we are intimately involved in so much of their lives and we have some sense of control in our homes. And it’s interesting to evolve into mothering adult children.
And what does Step Two have to do with it? Just as we have to learn to trust a higher power in our own lives, we have to trust Him in our children’s lives, too. Even when those kids don’t share your faith or they are making decisions you think are wrong – God’s got them. Think about some of the hard moments in your life that brought you to where you are now. What if you had never gone through the hard?
It’s not an easy thing to let go. And I had to do some thought work around this idea. What is it that I fear and what is it that I want from these relationships? I fear losing ____. I want love and connection with ______. So, how does me giving unwanted advice, or criticism, or complaining I don’t get enough time (or any complaining) get me closer to that person I want connection with? It doesn’t. Obviously, it would get me the exact opposite result! Who wants to call Mom and listen to her complain?
Change my thoughts, change my results
So, if connection is what I want, I had to change my thoughts around my kids because that’s the only way I can change my feelings and actions. He’s a child of God and God’s got him! He’s smart and knows how to make good decisions. He has great friendships and knows how to have healthy relationships. He is perfectly capable of supporting himself. When I focus the growth I can see and the positive attributes of my kids, it’s easier to let go and let God. I can think back to the things I loved when they were small and see those traits still!
I also make sure they know our home is always open to them and I sound happy when they call (instead of asking “what’s wrong?!”) It’s much easier to watch them go when I know they will want to return.
This past year, my oldest and his wife lived with us while they were looking for a home in the next county. It was so fun! We shared meals and had some game nights and early morning coffee together. But it’s even more fun to watch them settle into their new home and make it their own. They hosted Hamsgiving on the Friday after Thanksgiving and it took me back to the first time I hosted my family – so fun!
Living in the Moment
So, really look at your teens and adult kids. Make a list of the things you love about them and the last few times you had fun together. If you can’t think of any times that you’ve had fun with them – get something on the calendar!!! And enjoy the moment.
