Today, a few friends shared a post that said something about being a “bird launcher, not an empty nester.” Not only did it make me smile, but it gave me a chance to reflect on my own change in thinking and what a difference it makes in my life!
When my oldest left for college, I was a mess for awhile – I don’t know how long, really! I think my husband was concerned that I would never stop grieving! And then a few years later when planning a family trip (one I was sure would be the LAST of its kind), we had a huge argument because I was so busy trying to control every detail of the trip. I know now that I was trying to avoid thinking about my kids getting older and moving on without me. But at the time I argued that I wanted our last trip to be perfect! As if there is such a thing. (It wasn’t our last trip – and it sure wasn’t perfect!)
I recognize now that when I start trying to control the details – especially everyone else’s details – I am not in a balanced frame of mind. At that time, I was really stressing about the loss of a relationship and my behavior was causing me to lose that relationship! My goal was to make everything perfect so that everyone would want to take trips together forever! But I was creating a situation where no one would ever want to take a trip with me again.
My thoughts of losing my kids made me feel loss, sadness, loneliness, and grief. The actions I took were very graspy (is that a word??) and controlling and desperate. Those actions caused everyone to want to go their own way – leaving me feeling the loneliness I feared – a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don’t know what snapped me out of it at the time, but I did manage to enjoy that trip! But it took a lot longer for me to get over the feeling that my life was changing as each kid moved on – and that I was feeling lost and rudderless. This was also a product of my thoughts. I couldn’t see the good things happening as I watched my kids move on to the next stage of their lives – the one I had been preparing them for! I couldn’t see the good work we did in raising human beings that I would miss like crazy! All I could see was the loss.
What’s changed? My thoughts. I now look at my kids and see their accomplishments, I enjoy their company, and I can rest knowing I’m not responsible for their choices. My door is always open, but our relationships have changed. Every text or call makes me smile. I’ve faced the fears of loneliness and I know not to project into the future and play out worst case scenarios! Living in the present and not in the future “one day at a time.”
I’ve found other ways to mother – becoming a bird launcher has freed up space and time. I have the chance to extend my nurturing instincts beyond my family. I’ve become involved in local charities and community initiatives. There’s something incredibly rewarding about lending a hand to those who need it most. It fills the void left by an empty nest with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I’ve learned that those instincts are a gift from God and I need to use those gifts for good.
I take time for myself every day. It might be 15 minutes or it might be a couple of hours, but every day includes time to recharge my battery! And this year I made FUN a priority which means I can go out any night of the week and do something I enjoy! Date night on a school night? That never happened when I had kids in the house. It’s a mindset adjustment as my initial response to a change in my routine is a “no.” Now, I take a moment to think about how enjoying some simple fun improves my relationships and my outlook.
So – are you approaching that season of launching your birdies? Dreading it? Thinking you are losing your purpose? Wondering what to do with yourself? I can help you change your thoughts about this season and walk with you through it!
