Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
How?
Step four is the most challenging step for most people. And I will admit I felt overwhelmed with the “how” to do it. AlAnon provides literature and workbooks to aid us in this step, but I don’t think I was in the right headspace to really use them. And I absolutely needed the guidance of someone who had been through it already! Without this inventory step, any work I did in trying to make changes in my life would have been fruitless.
There is no right way or recommended way to do this inventory. My sponsor had me start writing from my earliest memory. Which sounded like a lot! And it was – but there was no one checking grammar or spelling and if I fot things out of order it didn’t matter. Getting it all down on paper was both cathartic and scary! I had to learn to write without judgement of myself and whether my memories and the feelings they brought up were normal or good. (I learned later that judging my feelings is what keeps me squashing them!)
Having a sponsor – a neutral third party who doesn’t know my story, has been through similar issues and situations, and who doesn’t have “skin in the game” – was more necessary than I realized. I was struggling with workbook questions and why they were being asked when what I really needed was guidance so that I could take an honest look at myself. How would I heal if I didn’t know what needed healing? How could I make changes if I didn’t know what needed changing?
Fearless?
It’s impossible not to have some fear. It’s continuing on through the fear that is important. And that’s another reason that a sponsor or a coach or a therapist is so important. You will get stuck. Your brain will want you to do other things!
The steps are in order for a reason. I had to learn that God does actually care about me and has a plan for me. I had that in my head, but not in my heart. I needed to feel safe in this journey and that came from learning to trust the people in my group and my sponsor. It also came from hearing the experiences or others. I met my sponsor in one of the groups I attended. I was hearing her story and healing before I started working on mine.
I also needed to feel that change was possible. How often do we hear that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? I suppose that is true in some respect – I couldn’t make that dog change. But working on myself is an inside job and I’m the only thing I CAN change! If I didn’t witness changes in others working on recovery, I don’t know if I would have believed in myself.
All of these thoughts had to feel true in order for me to search fearlessly.
Why?
While the “how” was a big hurdle for me, for most it is the “why.” If you don’t feel you need to change, you aren’t going to put in the work. I think my therapy experience was difficult because I wasn’t being told I needed to change. I would sit and talk about my struggles, but not own up to my own part in them. And while having someone listen to me has value, it wasn’t really solving anything for me.
I heard recently that when we are living with sin, we want to keep it hidden in the dark. We don’t want the light of truth to illuminate that sin. We feel shame, we are too comfortable, or we like that sin! But if we don’t face the truth, reveal the sin, and repent, we can’t accept forgiveness. And recovery is like that. We can move through life in our current state OR we can uncover the hidden thoughts and feelings, make changes, and accept healing.
