Becoming Willing and Making Amends
Steps 8 & 9 are intertwined but do need to be tackled separately. In Step 8, we make a list of all the people we have harmed and become willing to make amends. You’ve done your step 4 inventory and admitted wrongs, but now you need to consider who you’ve wronged. And it’s likely that you should be on your own list as our behavior often hurts us, too. When we hurt others, it’s a little more obvious – people have different ways of letting us know! Even if you feel you’ve healed that particular relationship, put that person on your list and consider the ways you’ve harmed him or her.
Becoming willing to make amends may take a little longer. Relationships are complicated and you may feel you’ve been hurt by the same person you’ve hurt. This is not unusual in long standing or close relationships where it’s easy to react too quickly or where you don’t heal those wounds, but just brush them under the rug and move on. Becoming willing takes reflection and prayer. You may need to work on forgiving the other person so that you don’t bring up past resentments. You may need to work through your feelings with a coach, sponsor, or therapist.
Making Amends only when it does not cause harm
How could making amends cause harm? When relationships have broken and the other person has moved on, making amends can cause harm to them or their current relationships. Bringing up past trauma can be harmful especially if the other person is struggling with depression or other mental illness. Consider how you can make amends in a less harmful way. A more general apology like “I’m sorry for the times I wasn’t strong enough to be with you in difficult times,” can relay that message without being specific. Perhaps an apology is not the best tactic – many people are not ready to listen or will brush it aside because “it doesn’t matter.” I’ve had that experience and it’s not helpful to me in owning up to my mistakes! In these cases, simply a change in behavior is enough to start healing. Looking at that other person through God’s eyes with His unconditional love can require some prayer and reflection time. But when you can do that, it is much easier to treat the other person with love and respect instead of judgement and disdain – even when their behavior causes you to feel pain.
These changes in mindset towards others rarely happens overnight! I can recall specific instances where the Holy Spirit revealed something to me to help. It doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally backslide! But I recognize my own faults sooner and can give myself the grace to change my attitude. If you are struggling with a particular relationship, I’d encourage you to seek help specifically around that thinking! Your relationships can not be healthy if your thoughts about the other person are not healthy!
