It’s not about re-living. It’s about admitting.
I don’t have trauma
Everyone does. We all have things in our lives that have affected us deeply and created changes in our behaviors or created rifts in past and present relationships. Everyone we interact with has a similar pattern in his life, too. But many of us have the tendency to downplay these events or push them aside in an effort to get along. We compare our experiences to others’ and think we “have it better” and shouldn’t make a big deal. But ignoring feelings doesn’t make them go away!
Avoiding Conflict
This is another reason we don’t want to look at trauma in our past. We want to go along to get along. We don’t want old hurts to resurface. It’s easier to ignore things and keep the peace OR we just avoid the people that have caused the harm. While there is nothing wrong with keeping the peace, we need to acknowledge what has happened. And the family BBQ isn’t the place to bring up past hurts, but finding a quiet place and time to talk and forgive makes those family BBQs more pleasant in the long run!
This isn’t about blame
Examining your past hurts isn’t about looking for someone to blame and asking for them to fix the problem. You can’t force someone else to change and an empty apology isn’t going to help.
But if you are working on a 4th step inventory of yourself and you are feeling guilty for your own actions, admitting past hurts can help you to be gentle with yourself. You need to give yourself some mercy. You want to forgive others and give them mercy. It all starts with admitting that something hurt.
Sometimes there isn’t another person involved in the hurt – sometimes it is circumstance or misinterpretation. Sometimes it is just life – like the death of someone close to you or the loss of a friendship due to distance or a change in career or a child growing up and moving out! We need to admit our feelings about these things and not push them down or avoid them because we don’t like to be negative.
The only way out is through
So, what are you supposed to do?
Admit the hurt/trauma/sorrow
Sit with it – maybe that involves crying, yelling, physical movement of some kind
Process – journaling. Is there someone you need to forgive? Is there someone you need to apologize to? Is there some action YOU can take to help heal a relationship? Or is this just a circumstance you need to admit happened? Sometimes that’s all it is.
For example
Growing up, we moved often. It’s just what goes along with being a military family. These transitions were always difficult for me. I was shy, I withheld myself from others. I found myself figuring out my new surroundings and try and blend in – picking up behaviors and manners of speech, figuring out what everyone else was wearing or doing. Basically reinventing myself every time I moved.
I don’t have those same childhood hang ups – but I do still have fears of being left out. As an adult, I didn’t want my kids to have to grow up in constant transition or uncertainty. Of course we can not protect our kids from uncertainty! It’s part of life. Some of the stress and anxiety I dealt with as an adult stemmed from these fears that became a part of me.
So this is not a situation where I needed healing from someone else. As a kid, I could blame the moving on my dad – but as an adult I can see how immature that is! And until I admitted these fears to myself and examined where they came from, I lived in a constant state of anxiety. There are other growing up experiences that lead my anxiety issues, but I wanted to give you one concrete example. Once I admitted that these experiences affected me, I could examine my thoughts whenever a feeling of anxiousness surfaced.
You need help!
Don’t be afraid to seek some help if you are trying to figure these things out. Therapy, coaching, spiritual direction, a sponsor – find a relationship that works best for you. Going alone can cause confusion.
https://yourlifetransfigured.podbean.com/e/ep-28-why-am-i-digging-up-the-past
